I recently read a book that stated that it was okay for women to date more than one man at a time because it’s unnecessary to waste time trying date one man at a time when you can filter through many men at once. Let me say that again for you – It is alright for a woman to DATE more than one man – please note the book didn’t specify anything about sleeping around with more than one man at a time (although I suppose that since it is your loins that you have final say of what you do with that).
I read this and it got me thinking: has society programmed women into thinking that going on multiple dates with different men is wrong? Stereotypically, if a man had to do that it’d be deemed normal, but since a woman is doing it, does that make it wrong?
In essence, if a woman had to state to a man that she is seeing / dating more than one guy at a time there would be harsh judgment cast on her, she would be scrutinised and labeled all kinds of names, and since we are human, judgment does tend to get to us at one point or another. That said… does dating many men mean that one isn’t prepared to be a life partner?
If all she is doing is going on dates; whether it be lunch or an outing doing something rather adventurous, if she only decides to sleep with one guy after filtering through the different guys that she’s been dating, would that then make her a heaux? Society (past and present) have placed all these boundaries for women to behave and react a certain way, and it has been reinforced by all of us. As a result we are overly cautious about what we do, who we do it with and who knows what we’ve done.
Fabolous once said:
A lady cancels a date because she has to, a man cancels a date because he has two
As a man, I’ll speak on the ladies. Feel free to cast your own view of men who do the same.
At anyone’s point in life they will attract attention from the opposite sex and many men will line up to cast their charms and get your attention. Where do you draw the line on all the men you inadvertently stringing along? Is the attention pivotal that you can’t focus on the one candidate who fits your partner criteria? The definition of ‘heaux’ is an ambiguous one that walks a blurry line as people have their own conclusion as to what defines it. In retrospect, it has been deduced as one who is reckless, easy and has multiple partners. Whether sexual or not, its stated as multiple partners.
Are you automatically cast as a partner because we had convo over coffee or I took you out on an ice rink? Are you easy for deciding and scrutinising on who to give your heart to? Yes the double standards come into effect when the roles are reversed but since there is polygamy AND polyandry; where a woman can have multiple husbands, it becomes a touchy topic. So before we stray, what constitutes a date and dating?
Dates are a simple meet and greet situation. Scouting if you may hence you have services like speed dating. Whereas, dating means the scouting has settled on one candidates and the exclusivity comes into play. Ladies are usually the ones who are approached, the issue is the having of options. Why?
Yes you need to decide carefully on whom you let in your life but a standby line? Why do you have a Russian Roullete of men vying for your heart? Are you afraid that the attention you are getting may be short lived so you keep all the admirers at close reach with multiple dates all over the place? I have never been able to call any lady a heaux but the indecision, the embrace of the flattery, the going on a date with Absalom while you promised Bartholomeuw a second date is selfish and shows indecision on your part. It also attracts every tag name you can imagine.
The sex issue is also a criteria of deducing a heaux so if she goes on dates and is the ‘F**k on first date’ type does that constitute loose behaviour i.e heaux behavior? Many will agree vehemently that she is loose. Again, this depends on the personal criteria. If she doesn’t sleep with every guy she goes out to lunch with, do we classify her as a love seeker or is the heaux tag simply attached to the number? Personally, I’ll say neither. There is no love rather the clutching of attention; the adoration of affection from multiple people.
Ladies are thee most meticulous creatures on earth, why diddle daddle with dates from multiple men? The issue is that every one of those men are keen, determined and driven to make you his lady, but you as the lady who is receiving flowers everywhere, you are playing a game with the emotions of innocent men. Possibly the guys know there are other guys vying for your attention but no one will accept that there is another guy taking you to candlelit dinners or on hot-air balloon rides. At least, have the decency to cut ties if you not impressed after the first date. I mean, what’s the point if you’re not trying to fall in love? If you do go on second date, there shouldn’t be anyone on standby for a second or third. Ladies, as much as going on dates is scouting, window shopping but not lay-buying only to cancel when you find the right purchase is just wrong.
I wouldn’t call you a heaux but I’d definitely say you’re selfish. To be frank, relationships are not first time lucky. We have gone on dates with people where you delete her number after settling the bill. Simply put, it’s a scouting contest; a hunting ground for both men and women. There’s no need to turn it into into an episode of the Thirst Chronicles theaux [though].
Written By: Siphiwe Zwane (@SDotJR_) and Lerato Mannya (@MzLee_)