When I die and the pearly gates close on my unkempt bearded face for squatting a poop on heaven’s lawns and I’m relegated to the burning flames of hell, my son might feel compelled to gather up all my published blogs and try to discern what kind of literary legacy his father left behind. He’s gonna find this article and probably say to himself, “Geez Dad, this twak! You went in on this banal topic! I thought you said you were the gawd! amongst bloggerists? Damn, you were just a poser like most of them.” Which will hurt my feelings, even though I’ll be dead and almost definitely won’t care. But I do care now, so in anticipation of that moment, let me preemptively address his slander, “Yo, your momma sucked my nuts, swallowed your siblings and enjoyed it!” BOOM! Anybody can get it! I don’t take shit from anyone.
Which is the whole point of this piece actually. No one really needs to take it. But word to twitter, you might have to. Someone out there is always willing to construct a 140 character, character 187. Which is 47 more. Add all these numbers up and the world is a little more confused. This is light work. Anybody can get it.
Onwards! Lately AKA has been promoting his recently dropped LEVELS album by baiting twitter with well-timed emo fapjaculations. It’s been kinda endearing to watch. Look at SA hip-hop you might say, growing up to use the tried and tested marketing ploys of antagonism to garner public attention and media inches. Success at last. Which is an apt consideration. This unwarranted op-ed proves it. Keep them talking. A good twitter rant or twar >>>>>> erotic literature.
So what’s my beef? I’ve been known to champion a good tough talker for no other reason than their callous command of the English language to denigrate the weak and unimpressive. I really can’t be bothered with your perspective if you don’t have a chip on your shoulder. It’s because of the 90s rap I grew up on, dudes had so much fire in their belly they could eat sand and shit out glass – which isn’t a generational reference about how soft these new millennium rappers are, it’s just to explain my taste for blood. Although they are kinda mushy.
But I have words for AKA. Bruh, your aim is dyslexic, you heard. Your whole style is mumbles thuggery, Bro. You need to go for an eye test ’cause right now you’re blind shooting, fam fam. It’s not like he’s the first or only celebrity giving that work when it comes to internet beat downs but his approach leaves me thoroughly unconvinced and repelled. There’s ways to this revolutionary twitter goon speak (word to @Riz_Ventura) and I’m not following AKA into any wars assimilated or real, not even Battleships.
The obvious comparison for AKA’s greazy talk is obviously Kanye West. Kanye West is the Obi Wan Kardashian to these young uncouths. They sound like him, dress like him and even want a car crash so they can drop a song with their jaws wired in a grainy video rocking orange velour track suits. My memory isn’t worth shit but it’s okay though, because Kanye’s got that POWER. And the real difference is, Kanye goes for the top of the pile, big nuts swinging, king of the hill old boys. From the then-standing President George W Bush to the over-indulged proprietors of Luis Vuitton to the cultural iconoclast that is NIKE. Even Ray J was only kind of mentioned as an ad-lib on the Jimmy Kimmel show, and Ray J really deserves a severe addressing to from some 13 year old Chiraq scaly wags for his buttfuckerous ingratiation into a grown woman’s affairs whom he had the privilege of penetrating a whole decade prior. The Mafia has rules about the type of gross Ray J pulled, for very good reasons. But Kanye is even maybe sympathetic compared to AKA. Apart from his heated exchange with Sway there’s very few to none, documented moments were Kanye continuously uses his celebrity or audience to smear the rise of any rapper let alone an upcoming one without an album out yet. Because for Kanye there’s actually real LEVELS, not imagined steps on the same staircase, bruh. Aim higher AKA, we might actually respect that gully misdirection. And you owe me a crate of beer for making me write about Kanye in such glowing terms.
I’m aware that anyone with a Twitter account and BIS can try throw you off your day. It’s expected that any human, even the ilk of AKA might feel someways about @dryskin_SPARTAN calling him out about his life’s work with no real clue as to who Kiernan is or how much work he puts in. We get it. Despite your assertions that you’re a giraffe we understand you have human emotions. You’re like the Prince Giraffe Human of the Giraffe People of Giraffe People Land. We feel you. But most times, I just can’t empathise because that teary weepy side of you just goes into overdrive on the TL. Like damn bro, who punched you in the dick? Take some notes from James Blunt. I didn’t listen to his music before I read his tweets, chiefly because he wasn’t in the The Boot Camp Clique but I’ve found I like him now. I actually like him. He responds to trolls with a clear and detached approach. His acerbic, even self-effacing responses are genuinely hilarious. They don’t have to be original or high comedy but he’s a lad who sounds like he grew up with other lads dissing each other about any and everything. And here’s the genius part, he sounds like his old friends still keep him grounded with jokes and disses, like a human; like a real breathing human. Not Optimus Swine jacked up on a couple of boxing lessons at Durant’s. Now, people just troll him hoping he responds to them with some sort of quick takedown. It’s turned into currency. Stop being so hurt, bru.
So many celebrities handle that internet flame better than the homie. Rihanna is always ready for a Bombaclot Rascal. We ride with RiRi ’cause it really only takes a well-worded response to ether a chance-taker and then after that, use that all leveraging ‘block’ button. Scientists have found that it takes less energy to press the ‘block’ button than it does to go on a 25 tweet rant about haters and that it takes the same energy to tweet 25 hater tweets as it does to shave off chin pubes. Take it, leave it. Dude, even Wale handled Meek’s bullshit very well and they share office space. You know how hard it is not to go smack the dude in the next booth for some drunk tweets but rather jot down a thoughtful response that includes nerd culture and a sentence on responsible fatherhood? I’m still in awe of Wale, and I like AKA’s music better. So riddle me that? He’s not losing me on the music, he’s losing me as a twitter persona. THATS DEEP! About 2 inches deep.
You know who goes on unsolicited Twitter rants attacking imaginary haters and used to be in endless meltdowns over-explaining himself? Lupe Fiasco. Wanna know who tagged other rappers and attempted to humiliate them on Twitter? Gucci Mane. How about that person who used Twitter to tell everybody how wonderful and special and superior they were to just about anyone who tried to help out or criticise? Amanda Bynes and/or Nonhle Tema depending on which career implosion you find most instructive.
So yeah, antagonism is a great strategy. It keeps the chattering heads chattering. Until, you know, we get our feelings hurt too and move the fuck on.
SIDENOTE: Dead the leather pants already. I feel clammy just looking at you.
Written By: @RealGibberish