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Friends With Benefits – The Man Vs Woman Debate

February 1, 2014
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friends with benefits

Relationships are sought after by many and rejected by a lot more. It is common for both genders to be open to this dimension that a relationship becomes a tit for tat exchange.  To this day, the names are attached to unofficial relationships fall short of endearment. Booty call, skhafthini (slang for lunch box), regular jump, 4am etc come to mind.

With that said, a lot of people will either get into a formal relationship or look down on an amicable sex-only arrangement. Which brings me to the next question, can women have sex with their respective friends or crushes without expecting a relationship?

It is no secret that women are the more emotional of the two genders. They are packaged with care, volatile emotions and nurturing in their genes. Take nothing away from these exceptionally good qualities but they carry them with pride. With regards to sex in this instance, as it should be, it’s more than an in and out [pun intended] business for women. It’s a connection that goes beyond just the physical.  It is thus expected that ladies will take to the encounter with a focused mind and a knowing or unknowing expectation of being official. No one wants to be used only for the release of another’s hormones.

This is the tricky part as one party is looking for a sex partner while the other is looking for a possible life partner. This becomes evident after the physical encounter, when a large number of ladies will want an official or dare I say a validation statement which in turn is being the official girlfriend.  To a lady, it’s never JUST sex. It’s a connection that is regarded as sacred. It’s a ceremony of joining two entities. Yes, there are a few ladies that can handle the no strings attached prearrangement but a lot more have sex with feelings not just their private parts. It’s rarely a release for the lady as opposed to a guy.


This is not to say that the gents are emotionless but with our instinct of being the alpha male we have a distinct way of dealing with emotions that arises between the sheets. We either deny their existence or fully go in with a plan of just sex.

Friends with benefits is not a new occurrence. Some relationships have started from it and prospered. With the new school lamenting a high body count [body count is the number of people you have slept with] it becomes a scarce occurrence when a lady can have sex with multiple partners as that stems judgment from all of society. With society encouraging monogamy, it is inevitable that a lady will not fully honour a no strings attached agreement. Or at least that would be the plan and before you know it she will find herself in love with you. But that is a story for another day.

To be a friend with benefits only requires an almost careless aura, and this is something women are unable to exhibit; by no fault of their own. Call it the gift and the curse.


Written By: Siphiwe Zwane (@SDotJR)


  1. And this why it’s important to set up some sort of demarcations with this arrangement. You must know what you’re getting yourself into beforehand…. Especially for the ladies. Yes things may change (what are the chances though) but Ladies constant copulation doesn’t automatically get you a relationship.

  2. Where does this stem from though? this need/want for a relationship?

    I know guys that (myself included) that cannot simply just jump in the sack and walk away (one night stand), with that said if if lasted longer than one night, does it qualify as a “friends with benefits” situation or is it merely the fact that in that one moment, you thought there was potential (chemistry) and when the rush was over, you just found the potential to be lost in the dark?
    Don’t get me wrong, I can detach from my emotions at any given time, heck – i’m probably more detached from them than I am attached to them… but, is it the emotion involved, or the satisfaction of the moment that drives us to becoming “friends”?

  3. I would like to think there’s usually some sort of attraction, chemistry or liking towards that certain person prior to being friends with benefits. So that’s where the need would stem from, even though perhaps at it’s inception both parties where not not in a space where they’d want to be in a relationship

    • You are correct about the attraction, but is that the actual root for being “friends with benefits”? Could it be that it comes from a want for physical satisfaction or “impulse” rather than emotional involvement (not so much chemistry and a liking to the person)?

      if you found yourself in that situation, having a friend with whom you share a physical attraction but no emotional attraction, would you become friends with benefits or would you wait and hope that somewhere along the line you become so close that the guy develops and emotional attachment to you to validate the “intimacy”?

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